Humour

How to properly dodge a draft

After a series of escalations in the U.S – Iran conflict, climaxing in a disgusting end to flight 752’s journey, things have settled down a little. Another war in the Middle East seems, fortunately, unlikely at this point.

 

Many folks believe the best foreign policy for mitigating conflict lies in the heart of the meme. If enough people from both sides unite, and turn the conflict into a laughable matter, it might just shrivel up and die.

 

Valid as this thought may be, a person must have a plan B for avoiding WWIII. Hence why we’re providing a little inside information on how to properly dodge a draft.

 

Embracing the past

Canada is home to some of the most successful draft dodgers of the past 150 years. One doesn’t have to look far back in history to see a large influx of draft dodgers to the Nelson and Vancouver Island areas.

 

Heck, even Manitoba was essentially founded by Mennonites, who might just be the most successful draft dodgers off all time. They’ve managed to slip conscription in western Europe, Polish Prussia, Russia, and Canada.

 

There are commonalities between the dodgers of the ‘70s and the Mennonites, and those need to be the focus of a draft dodging plan. They mostly evaded conscription by getting the fudge out of dodge, and going somewhere nobody else wanted to go.

 

The Mennonites went to swampy, uninhabitable farmland that nobody wanted, and the dodgers went to British Columbia (what even is that?).

Our only options

Thus, the only realistic options for dodging WWIII are Russia and Labrador.

 

Everyone has heard of these places, but they’re really more myth than reality. Has anyone actually met someone from Labrador? Probably not.

 

That’s what makes it so ideal for dodging the draft.

 

Odds are the government is just going to completely forget about Labrador and the Territories, the moment shit hits the fan. Also, it’s so expensive getting up there that they’ll probably just cut their losses, and spend the money on tanks.

 

Now, Labrador is approximately 3,758 kilometres from Calgary.  The Chukotka region in Russia, located directly across the Bearing Sea is 3,535 Kilometers from Calgary. For the adventurous people that want to save time and guarantee anonymity, moving to the most northeastern district in Russia is likely the most viable option.

 

For those that want to be able to still write home to mum, and want to buy some Timmies along the way, Labrador is the best bet.

 

Provided below is a detailed map with the corresponding migration routes for each of the draft-free havens.

 

Godspeed pacifists, godspeed.

 

*Note* – Yukon and the Northwest Territories are not recommended destinations due to the large Mountie presence. Nunavut is OK. 

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