Don’t let it snow: take action by boycotting winter
In light of the recent “snowpocalypse,” I must take to my keyboard and call fellow Calgarians to arms in a protest against the bane of everyone’s existence: winter.
Some will argue winter is a delightful season, creating a “winter wonderland” of snow, with everything gilded in sparkling frost. Some might even go as far as declaring winter the most wonderful time of the year.
These people are deluded, and possibly dangerous. The entirety of human history has been spent trying to get as far away from the elements as possible.
Winter is, completely objectively, the worst season. Not only does it impede work, cause accidents, and increase heating bills, it also affects people’s moods negatively.
With snow and ice interfering so utterly with people’s lives, it is clear something must be done.
No more should we have to suffer icy roads, freezing winds, and delayed commutes. I dream of a future in which autumn actually lasts for more than a single day.
Consider what could be accomplished without the interruption of bad weather: perhaps even the constant construction in our fair city would finally finish!
Thus, I implore everyone to boycott of winter.
If we boycott with enough numbers, Mother Nature will have no choice but to bow to our demands and rescind the fluffy white nonsense that often blankets our homes and streets.
To show her that we do not accept this early winter, or indeed any winter, we should simply cut up or burn our winter clothes. This will be especially effective when shared on social media in the form of videos and tweets.
In the past, we have meekly dressed up warmly, donned boots, scarves, and mittens, but no more – now we will take a stand against the oppressive force of the harsh, depressing season that plagues us for six months of the year or more.
Another excellent way to boycott winter is simply to move to a sunnier, warmer location, if such a thing is within one’s means. Like a toddler deprived of a favourite toy, winter will howl and blow and eventually wear itself out with no one to torment.
While this approach, or rather departure, is certainly not feasible for everyone, those who can should do their part in robbing winter of some of its victims.
With these methods, and large enough numbers of protestors, I am sure the war on winter will someday be won.